If my diet is brought up, I am nonchalant in my explanation of why my diet doesn't include soy, fruit, or grains.
Oh, I have Ulcerative Colitis. It's where you get ulcers in the colon. Yeah, it can be debilitating and hard. But y'know, such is life. And I'm getting better, so that feels lovely. *Smile*
They ask
"But what do you eat??"I usually laugh at their baffled facial expression.
Um, a lot of sauteed vegetables and squash.
My doctor delivered two pieces of news last week:
First, the test that she ran, the one that tests what foods people are intolerant to, the one that says my body does not tolerate fruit, soy or the combination of grain and sugar--
Apparently it's for life.
I don't want to go to social events and not be able to eat the food then feel compelled to explain that I don't mean to be rude.
I don't want to ask the waiter if they can make sure that the pan is cleaned to make sure olive oil doesn't contaminate the fish cooked in butter.
And then I asked why I'm getting red spots on my legs that look like burst blood vessels and why I have a discoloration next to my lip. She says
"Oh, yeah that's not good. It's a sign of being nutrient deficient. Go to Pharmaca and pick up this multivitamin. Also, eat more green vegetables, not just carrots."Oh. Okay. I thought that I might have a lack of nutrients maybe.
I left the office and walked to bart. Processing.
I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be nutrient deficient in AMERICA. THIS IS SO STUPID. ARRRGH. I don't have a BLOODY well balanced diet? REALLY?
Wait, wait. So, if getting all the nutrients is a necessary part of living, I have to work this new aspect into my diet TOO?!! Like I don't have enough dietary parameters?!!!
That was a week ago. I've been roiling. I tried to eat more fresh greens but I didn't see much difference.
Yesterday, I had my first cheat day.
I relished chocolate's creaminess, and softness and sweetness, I delighted in eating too much chocolate and feeling my tummy say "Woah, relax there for a few minutes." Literally, I ate chocolate, honey n sesame covered almonds, carrots from the farmers market, salted almonds, and cheese. It felt so good to let go and feel joyful in food. I finally got to relax for the first time since August and a lot longer than that. I haven't relaxed about food since... since my first semester of college, when I ate slices of cheddar cheese and hunks of cheap french bread because I figured, if everything hurt, I might as well eat anything I wanted.
.
But today, there's this bitterness and resentment that makes me want to yell at anyone who gives me a funny look-
WHAT?! This diet is causing a lack of nutrients! So I'm gonna do what I want! And yeah, it might not actually be the diet's fault but right now it is.
There's this desire for revenge. To make myself feel better for the months of following my diet strictly. My lack of nutrients come out through my skin is like a slap. Like, WHAT? I WORKED THIS HARD AND IT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH? and my upper lip bounces up and curls as I find myself baring my teeth snarling with my words.
The idea that I have to incorporate balance into this game makes me want to quit. Because I don't even know if it is possible without fruit. Can multivitamins really do a sufficient job? And I don't even know what a balanced diet looks like. Everyone has all these different ideas about health, and it's SO STUPID. Because so many of them are so not okay for my body. The 4hr Body diet, the Paleo diet, the government Food Plate, none of them are long term sustainable diets for me.
I don't know what diet is sustainable for me. Food is so complicated I don't even want to think about it. I just want to eat everything. I want to eat nothing. Nothing is safer. Nothing would be better cuz the body can't get hurt that way. OH WAIT, YOU CAN GET HURT. YOU CAN BECOME BLOODY NUTRIENT DEFICIENT.
But I am gonna get sick if I live that lifestyle. And I would hate to be sick again.
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